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gloomy day

Posted by edmond on April 14, 2016 at 12:00 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

yesterday night, while i was typing my blog, i was quite surprised not to be visited by madame duval because she usually starts visiting at those times  but yesterday night, nothing... even when dinner was served, you usually hear through the door, the waitress saying to madame duval to go back to her room and that her dinner will be soon served but still nothing... after dinner, we had our sleeping pills and i asked if something had happened to her and the nurse told me she had been transfered to a more appropriate hospital because here was defintely not the place she belonged to. i must say i was feeling happy-sad by learning this. i hope that they'll be able to take better care of her wherever she's been sent to. anyway, it meant also that i would be able to sleep without worrying about any interruption during the night or the morning.

this morning, i woke with a gloomy mood. the weather was the exact reflection of my mood, grey, cloudy and rainy. i had breakfast and went back to bed just to spare time playing the sailor moon drops game on my phone and then had a short nap. the psychiatrist came and was quite surprised to find me in my bed because i'm usually really active and am always doing something (working out or on the computer). i explained to him that i felt gloomy and not really up for anything at all today. it's not that i'm feeling sad or anything, i said, but i just don't fancy doing anything at all. i contacted my mum to let her know how i was feeling and that because of the weather i was really not in the mood for going outside and that she could come over and we could watch a movie together as it was rainy.

i had lunch and went back to bed until i was woken up by my mum who arrived. we watched the movie called "her". i had already watched it once and i kind of liked it. i wanted to show it to my mother so that we could talk about it afterwards because it's a kind of science fiction movie but, we're getting closer and closer to this reality nowadays and i guess that in some years from now, everybody will have a "samantha". here's the trailer of it :

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after that, we did a little bit of a crossword we started together some days ago and then she went back home. i just had dinner now. i have no particular plan for tonight. i'm not even thinking about checking on my timetable what i was supposed to do because i'm sure i won't be feeling like doing it lol sooooooooooooo lazy hahaha feels like a sunday

have all a beautiful thursday!

chu ;)

madame duval

Posted by edmond on April 13, 2016 at 1:00 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

sorry for not updating my blog yesterday but i was just feeling so exhausted i didn't even have the energy for it!

you must be wondering why the title of this blog is "madame duval". well, that's actually the name of one patient here in a room on the same floor as mine. she's an old lady who totally lost her mind (maybe alzheimer?) and spend her days wandering in the hallway like a ghost... the first time i saw her, i felt really sad for her and imagined how hard it must have been for her family to see her in that state she's in now because when you look in her eyes, it's totally blank as if her soul already left her body. so, she kept on wandering in the hallway all day long and you can hear her paths from your room. i must say, it's quite scary actually XD at the beginning, she was accidentally entering your room because she didn't realize it wasn't hers, so you just replied kindly that it wasn't her room and took her back to hers.

the thing is that since last sunday her "visits" became more and more regular! she kept on entering a room randomly, again and again, like every 10 minutes and you had to repeat to her again and again that it wasn't her room! i was already starting to lose my nerve but tried to remain calm because i knew that even if i'd shout at her, she'd still wouldn't get what i was saying to her. she even came into my room during my sleep, woke me up and scared the shit out of me! i mean, waking up like that with you door opened with an old lady staring at you seems to be directly from an horror movie! i started shouting at her to leave me alone and let me sleep! XD that's why i actually woke up on monday in a really really bad mood and rushed to the nursery to explain the situation. when i arrived there, i realized that there was already another patient complaining about the same thing happening to her and that she hadn't been able to sleep either because of that! the nurses just told us to calm down because there was nothing they could do about it. that she was an old lady and that it wasn't possible to lock her in her room for security reasons or just tie her to her bed during the night! i was just so upset and i guess that's why i had some issues enjoying my first day out because i was feeling really mad because i missed sleep and felt quite scared about how i would react being all alone in the streets on a day like that, waking up in such a bad mood and so stressful! i guess that's why i didn't enjoy that first day out that much because i was just feeling tired and when i am in this state, i can't have a really objective point of view about how i feel and react to my surroundings...


anyway, it just went worse on monday night as she paid me afirst visit at 6am! i was so scared and angry at the same time! i mean, you already lose your intimacy when you live here in this hospital because there's no way you can lock your door and anyone can come into your room anytime. i can easily understand it when it's a nurse who's coming to check on you but a patient coming without being inivited is another thing. i was so tensed that i went downstairs for a ciggy and tried to calm down so that i could go back to sleep. she came back again at 7.30am but, this time, i was in a deep sleep so i didn't even heard she had entered the room... usually, she just stays by the door staring around and leave but this time she came to my bed and started shaking me to wake me up! i was just sooooooooooooooooo mad! i mean, i was trying to get back to sleep after her first visit and when i was finally able to sleep again, she just woke me up again! she's really lucky in a way that she did that to me because i think another patient would have just beaten her to death! it had already been two nights that i wasn't able to sleep correctly and when i saw my face in the mirror in the morning there was just the reflection of a ghost!

on tuesday, she did it all day long so, every time i was trying to take a nap or just try to rest because i was feeling just so exhausted, she just kept on coming into my room and cut my rest time straight away. i was feeling more and more tired and more more out of my mind... i think that the lack of sleep is the worst totrure you can do to someone. do it for some days and it totally changes you. so, on tuesday morning, i just skipped all my workout routine, community management stuff and just tried to relax, but, as i was saying, i just couldn't because she kept on coming again and again. everytime i heard her paths in the hallway i was getting more and more tensed, just wondering if she was about to enter my room or a neighbour's one. for lunch, i didn't have apetite because i was just tired and didn't even have the energy to eat. i tried to have a nap again after lunch but she came twice again. i sent a text to my mum and to my friend arnaud to let them know that it had already been two nights i hadn't slept correctly at all and that i was in a really bad mood so that they wouldn't be surprised when they saw me. i told them to come around 2.30pm and they came to visit. they saw on my face that the only thing i wanted to was to sleep. i mean, i kept on yawning, was mad like crazy about the situation and really not friendly at all. we finally decided to go out for a drink in the center but i wasn't really talkative. my mind was starting to become blank just like madame duval's one lol when i came back here, i actually regretted that i didn't go directly home during the afternoon and just sleep over because i was sure that it would be the same again yesterday night. so, this is why i didn't have the energy to update the blog yesterday! after dinner, i met one neighbour that was as desperate as me. he told me she visited him already 7 times while he was reading a book. he was so upset that he went downstairs to have a tea and when he came back to his room, she was sitting on his bed!!! we decided to go together to the nursery, hoping that maybe if we were two explaining the same thing they would finally take it into account. one nurse told her that she knew about the situation and that we should push the emergency button everytime she comes into her room. i don't know if it's the right word for this but in every hospital room, you have this "emergency button" that you can push any time that you need assistance.... anyway, we went back to our rooms, deperate and hoping that she would end up leaving us in peace once and for all but it wasn't the case. just after coming back from the nursery, she came twice into my room, so i pushed the button twice. as for my neighbour, i think she came like 5 or 6 times and the nurse was just becoming crazy. i even could overhear her on the phone with one colleague saying that the situation with the old lady was just getting out of control. i think that until that moment they didn't really realize how hard it was for us on a daily basis. before going to bed, i even prayed! not any god in particular but just so that i could sleep all night long without being interrupted even once and my wish came true! i know that she kept on visiting my neighbours but at least she left me alone yesterday night so fo once i could sleep all night long! i was feeling so much better this morning, having finally a real night sleep!

this morning, i had breakfast and downloaded an android game that has just been released of sailormoon. it's called "sailor moon drops" and is available on android and ios. before it was only available in japan but they decided to release it worldwide. i stay stucked to this puzzle game for an hour! lol after that, i made a double workout session (to try to get back what i haven't done the day before) so i did abs workout and butt workout. after that, i had a shower and as it was wednesday, it was my beauty session day so i spent more time in the bathroom taking care of my body and skin ;) after that, i worked on my community management stuff, had lunch, had a nap (without any intervention from madame duval but it was actually because the nurses had taken her to the nursery and had been asked to stay there with them) and went out for my second day out alone! today, i had decided to level up by going to a crowdy place instead of a quiet park so i went to a mall called colombier. i made some shopping and bought the album of charlie puth (i really like this singer-song-writer) and also some beauty creams. after that, i went home, had tea with my mum and then we came back here to watch the new episode of empire! she left after that and i started watching the second episode of the new sailormoon season! i then had dinner, went downstairs for a ciggy, came back here and started updating this blog hehe

tonight, i'll try to do what i was supposed to do last night and try to do also what was already planned for tonight on my timetable. let's see if i can make it all!

have all a gorgeous wednesday!

chu ;)

day out

Posted by edmond on April 11, 2016 at 12:05 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

this weekend, i got the right to go out all day long with my mum! i was soooooooooo happy!

on saturday, she came to catch me by car and we went home first. my brother-in-law came and then we headed to a mall where we had lunch in a restaurant. it was really nice because i don't meet with him really often and since everything that has been happening to me lately, we still didn't have a chance to talk so it was just the perfect moment. after that we went for grocery shopping and went to catch my sister who just finished her job. we all went back home and had tea and chatted. it can seem simple moments but i really enjoyed them to the top, family time is such a precious treasure! after that, it was already time to come back here so we decided to come back by foot with my mum as there was a big strike all over in rennes. i, then had dinner, spent an hour on facebook, played cookie run and made some community management stuff. i went to bed at 11.30pm to be sure not to be tired for my sunday out!

on sunday, i woke up, had breakfast did my T25 stretch and had a shower. my mum came to catch me by car too. we would have liked to go to another city for the day (like saint-malo for example) but, as the weather was rainy and cloudy, we decided to go directly back home. we had lunch at home (my god, it's already been two weeks since the last time we had lunch at home!!!) and just stayed all day long at home in what we call the "sunday mode" (on the couch just watching TV and doing absolutely nothing lol). it was really a pleasant moment with her :) i then came back here, had dinner, a little bit of facebook, played cookie run and started feeling that i was about to have a panic attack so i went directly to the nursery and they gave me a tranquilizer straight away so the worst could be avoided. it took me quite some time to get my mind back and finally could relax and bretahe normally. after that, i just made my timetable for next week and went directly to bed.

actually, this weekend was a kind of test to know if i could go out by myself today or not. this morning, the psychiatrist came to visit and i told him that i was ready for experimenting my first day out by myself and he accepted it. i was happy and quite scared at the same time. anyway, i did my butt workout, had a shower, some community management stuff, studied on the new training i'm following (i'm still working on the exam and didn't finish it yet, it's just soooooooooooooooo hard!). after that, i had lunch, had a little nap and got ready for going out. i had a lot of anxiety but i promised myself not to contact anyone during my moment out and that i had to face it all by myself. i decided going to the thabor park since i discovered it was really close from the hospital and took plenty of pictures of the flowers and the surrounding. you can see the pictures HERE. i was so admirative with the nature! after an hour or so, i sat on a bench and started feeling a lot of anxiety with all the people around so i decided not to force myself too much as it was my very first day and decided to go back to the hospital. in total, i was able to go out for an hour and a half! i know it's not that much but i'm feeling quite proud of myself. i'm sure it'll get longer and maybe next time i can go like for two or hours or maybe more! this afternoon, i rested here because i was feeling tired and as for tonight, after updating this blog, i plan to go on reverbnation because it's been ages i didn't and start listening to the maxis i want to release for the forthcoming album just to check how it sounds and if there's a coherence in the playlist i made so far. i'm still wondering as for the extended versions of the songs i was talking about on my last blog and the survey is still on, so if you have a second and facebook, please answer" target="_blank">HERE.

have all a blooming week!

strawberry kisses

chu ;)

right track

Posted by edmond on April 8, 2016 at 1:25 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

sorry for not updating the blog those last two days but a lot has been going on. so let's start by wednesday.

i woke up like everyday here at 7.45 and had to skip my workout session as i had an appointment with an internal social helper here about my social situation nowadays. i am now officially on long-term sickness (the doctor already filled a form and i'm on this status until the end of april). i had all the papers ready and the girl was really kind and helping :) after that, i had a litlle chat with my best friend, fredckq and we ended up calling each others just to talk about the situation i'm in now and stuff. it was so nice and sometimes i'm feeling really thankful to the new technologies because it enables you to get in touch with your friends wherever they are in the world :) after this chat, i decided to do my workout anyway and had a shower just afterwards. i was feeling kind of tired because i still had insomnias so i decided to rest until lunch time. after lunch, i went to get my authorization paper to go out and they told me i had lost my right to go out unless someone would come to pick me here and take me back! the thing is that just the day before i was able to go out for shopping all alone and just the day after the situation already changed for no particular reason. the nurse just told me that she didn't have this information on her computer and i'd have to call my mum so that she would me pick me up otherwise i couldn't go out. i was just so angry. i mean, i had already planned to go directly to my mum's place and for once she wouldn't have to come here. i just had planned to stay with her at our flat and just spend quality time together... anyway, i ended up calling her so that she would me pick me up here. i think she was as mad as me. she was about to have lunch and was just thinking (like me) that i would arrive just afterwards. so, she came here in a hurry and we went home. she had to warm up back all the meal she had prepared but it was OK. after that, i started packing a bunch of clothes (i'm quite obsessed with fashion, i know lol) and put them all in our travel luggage. we just had a great time, just sitting on the couch and watching TV. it really seemed as if everything went back to normal. i almost forgot about the hospital, and all of this until the time to go back came (time passed just so fast!!!). so, she left me here again, i had dinner and after that i started thinking about the wonderful afternoon but my mind was repeating me that it was a temporary joy and that the reality was the place i was here and now. i started feeling worse and worse and started crying. i was feeling so desperate about my situation, realizing that i was far from being ready to be released from here and it just made my anxiety grow more and more. at first, i didn't want to go to see the nurse to say that i was feeling bad because i didn't want to end up "punished" like the last time so i just spent time wandering like a ghost with tears in my eyes in my room. i finally decided to go and see the nurse to let her know that i was feeling bad and tried to control my overflowing feelings at the same time. she was really kind and sweet but i guess there was nothing to do, it was just sadness in its purest state. at night, when i came to get my sleeping pill, it was the very first time that the other patients saw me in this mood. normally, i'm the one always saying hello with a big smile but this time it was all the contrary. i had my earphones on, head down, not saying "hello" to anyone, sitting on the floor, just waiting for my turn to get my sleeping pill... after that, i went out for a ciggy, came back to my room, went down again and on and on until 1.30am when a nurse finally entered my room and asked me if i was frankly thinking about sleeping one day with the attitude i had (when she entered the room, i had all the lights opened and was staring at my computer with an exhausted face) and that maybe if i wanted to finally sleep, it could be a good idea to start by lying on my bed and turn off the lights. i just obeyed and it took me quite a while to finally get to sleep. during the night, one of the patient (an old lady who totally lost her mind and spend her day desperately looking for her room) and woke me up! i was soooooooooooooooo mad because i was finally able to fall asleep and she just appeared from nowhere staring at me so i just told her that it wasn't her room and that i was trying to sleep! i feel sorry that i got angry at her but i don't think she even realized it and i also learnt the morning after that she entered many rooms during all night and that the nurses had to get her out, take her back to her room and then she went again and opened another door...)

when i woke up on thursday, i was just feeling like a piece of shit and i was in such a bad mood that you could even feel radiation of bad vibes all around my room. i had my breakfast and went back to bed. i sent texts to my mum and sister to tell them that it'd be better for them not to come to visit on this day and to try for once to enjoy an afternoon outside of this hospital as they've been doing it for days now. i went back to bed and slept until lunch. i ate lunch and went back to bed again until 4.30pm. i had tea and biscuits and was already feeling a little better. i just spent the rest of the day on facebook and stuff just doing nothing. after dinner, i was feeling a lot more better and could feel that my mood finally stabilized. i even worked a litlle bit on community management stuff .

i also worked on my maxis project because i'm hesitating between three titles that already exist in extended versions but are still unreleased so i wanted to know which one to pick. if you have facebook, you can pick the song you prefer, the survey is here :

after that, i played to line cookie run and went to bed at 11.30pm and slept!!! (i asked the psychiatrist during the morning to try another treatment for the night because the one i had so far just had no effect on me at all so she changed everything even the ones i have during the day). well, i just woke up once at 6am, went downstairs, smoked a ciggy and went back to bed and slept again until 7.45am this morning!

this morning, i was just feeling wonderful and i also got some news from a friend, the day before, who told me that he would come to visit me today :) his name is david and i must say i have quite a crush on him lol so today, i went back to my normal routine but the fact they changed my medication really had a positive action on me this time. i felt less tensed (and less in zombie mode too) than the other days and even my sister told me she could feel i was feeling a lot more better this afternoon when she came to visit! anyway, i had my normal routine, breakfast, butt workout, shower, community management work, chatted a bit on facebook and with my niece, had lunch, had a small nap afterwards and waited for the psychiatrist's visit to get my paper so that i could go out because i wanted to go for a litlle bit of shopping (i saw the other day a really cute t-shirt in a shop nearby and wanted to get it fufufu). the psychiatrist usually comes around 11am but today she was reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally late and showed up at 2.45pm. i wasn't even mad because i think i'm trying to get used to the way it's working here hahaha i just showed my best side and i must say that it wasn't a role i was playing at all because it had been long since i felt that good! she gave me the authorization to come and go for an hour alone because i had my mum and sis who would come later on and also my friend david! i must say i really had to run everywhere and particularly to get tobacco because i wanted a box of white camels and i had to go to 4 different shops until being able to finally get them! i was watching the time like crazy! luckily, i had bought my t-shirt first so i just had to buy some additional food because they took my weight and, since i'm here (14 days), i lost 3 kilos and this just cannot be! i'm already thin and i don't want to look like a skeleton XD i mean i didn't come here for a diet hahaha so i got plenty of cakes and stuff and went back to the hospital. my mum came with my sis like 15 minutes later and then my friend david arrived too. i could see that he was feeling shy because it was the first time he was meeting my family and i mean, the place to meet them was quite a strange one lol anyway, after a moment my mum and sis decided to go back home and just left us alone so i showed him my room and all the new environment where i am temporarly living. i guess it was a shock for him but well, that's how it is now and i don't have anything to hide anyway. we had a nice time laughing and having fun together like we used to when we met at the bar near my place. we even planned to out for lunch just for a change (we usually meet just for drinks hahaha). let's see how it goes. anyway, i really had a great day today and feeling the love and friendship really cheered me up again. i think that the change of medication helped also a lot to change my mood. let's see how it works tomorrow too... i have the feeling that this time we're on the right track :D

have all a gorgeous weekend and see you on monday night!

chu ;)


Posted by edmond on April 5, 2016 at 1:20 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers,

yesterday night, i was feeling quite lazy and didn't feel like doing anything particular. i just spent time playing cookie run on my phone and on social reds. i made a test of an MV but wasn't satisfied with it at all. after that, i started searching if there was a way to watch the first episode of the new season of sailormoon crystal as it was already aired in japan and i was dreaming to watch it online even if it were in japanese (as i can understand it, it was no problem for me). i finally ended up finding it even with english subtitles! i must say that i really had a good impression on this very first episode of the season. the character design has been changed and they look a lot more "kawaii" than they used to on the first two seasons. even the animation and general rendering of the animation itself was really nice. anyway, i wasn't really able to be objective as this season is my favourite of all sailormoon the plot and charcters during this season are just a blast! i won't be spoiling you more with anything happening during this episode and will just share with you the trailer of this new season :

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one thing i'm really happy about too, is the fact that, this time, there will be one new episode every week and not every two weeks as it used to be before for the last two seasons! that's just so nice :) can't wait for the next one!

this morning, i woke up in quite a good mood. the weather was quite irregular, alternating between, cloudy, sunny and rainy so i decided to stay here in the clinic for the day. i thought about going just for an hour though, because the other day, when we went out with my mum, we crossed a window shop where she saw a pair of trousers and i wanted to give them as a present just for thanking her to be here by my side every day and also just because she's my mum and i love her so much and seeing a smile on her face is the greatest gift to me :D

i went to check with the nurse if it was possible to go there for shopping, come back and maybe go out later but it wasn't possible. if you come back, that's for good and you can't go out afterwards. i didn't really care as the most important for me was to get this present for my mum.

i had my normal routine during the morning, breakfast, butt workout, shower, psychiatrist visit... after that, i decided to try to study back the new training i'm following on openclassrooms about webmarketing. i had to prepare an exam with a topic that really doesn't interest me at all but i have to do it if i want to move on with the next lessons and get the final diploma so i decided to focus on it and give it a shot. i actually almost finished it and i think that i'll be able to send it by tomorrow morning. it's a complete analysis about search engines and keywords and it asks for a lot of work so even after two hours, i was still working on it...

after lunch, i tried to work on it a litlle bit more and then got ready to go out for my brief moment out! i sent a text to my mum saying that i was quite busy at the beginning of the afternoon and that it would be better if she would come here to visit me around 3pm (so that i had enough time to go to the shop to buy her the present and come back at the clinic). the time passed by so fast! i though had the time to check a litlle bit of clothes shops around just to check what will be the fashion for this season and it seems that the two main colours will be white and dark blue. it's OK with me because i both like them. i even saw a t-shirt that i loved but i resisted and didn't buy it. maybe another day, we'll see...

i came back here around 2.45pm and waited for my mum to arrive. she was so glad when she discovered the present i had for her and that my story about saying that i was busy was just because i wanted to make her a surprise ;) i think she was deeply touched even if she tried not to show it too much. she's like me, quite good to hide her emotions hehehe after that, my sister came and then my dear friend arnaud. we stayed a moment in my room just to chat then we went outside in the garden as the weather wasn't that bad. we had teas and cakes and just stayed there chatting and gossiping about the other patients lol i realized that my mum and sister weren't very talkative but i guess it's because nothing special is happening to them recently as they spend most of their time here to visit me :( i'd be glad to hear news from the outside, that they told me about what they did during the day but i know that, because of me, they don't do anything special but visiting me and i kind of feel guilty for that. at the same time, i know that at this time of my life, i really need them by my side and that i would feel lonely here without them visiting me but i also realize that, lately, they don't have a lot of new things to talk about because of me taking most of their days. i'd like to tell them that it's not an obligation for them to come to visit me here every days of the week but (and i know it's selfish from me) i really need them at the same time. when i see the state of mind in which i am when the night is coming and i'm all alone here in this room just staring the wall, i really can't imagine if i had to endure this for an entire day. maybe alternating between my mum one day and my sister the day after?... i really have no idea...

arnaud left at the very last moment (6.30pm) because we stayed listening to some of our favourites tunes and having fun. as it was already the time for my medication, i showed him the kind of people with who i'm living lately so that he could realize how having visits or just being out with "normal" people was precious to me. i don't think he was shocked or anything because i know he has a really strong personality  and he was able to understand why i did this.

i don't have any particular plan for tonight. yesterday, as i said earlier, i just made another try on another music video but i just hated the result so i don't know if i keep on doing it again tonight or just relax playing video games or wasting time on facebook. i was also thinking about drawing maybe. i even asked my mum to get my sketchbook from home with my coloured pencils and stuff. it's been ages since i drew. before i used to spend most of my time drawing and it suddenly just disappeared from my life. i started focusing on the music and just forgot about drawing. maybe it could be a good idea to start again... we'll see.

today, i decided that it would be an "utada hikaru" day. i listened to her songs all day long and i must say it cheered me up a lot. knowing that, like me, she's a singer-song-writer encouraged me to never give up on music and keep on making, playing, listening music until the day i die. i sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo love music. i know that's so typical but music is my life and living in a world of silence would just kill me.

let's keep on surrounding us with good vibes and music, that's all that really matters for the time being.

have all a gorgeous tuesday!

chu ;)

sweet and sour

Posted by edmond on April 4, 2016 at 1:25 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

on friday, i really had a terrible day and that's why i didn't even update my blog. in the morning, i woke up at 5.45 with my back ache again and had to wait like 30/45 minutes before being finally able to get out of bed to ask for pain killers. i tried to go back to bed to sleep a little bit longer but couldn't even lay down so i decided that there was no other choice than to wake up... as it was so early, i really had nothing to do and just got bored, waiting for the breakfast time. after breakfast, i came back to see the nurse to ask if it were possible to have a meeting with the doctor as i just couldn't sleep anymore and that it affected very badly my mood because i was just getting angry, too much sensitive lately and it was just getting worse and worse everyday. she told me not to worry and that she would plan a meeting with him at 12.45am. the psychiatrist came to visit during the morning and, on this day, it was again a different one from the one who's supposed to be in charge of me. i explained to him the situation and when i told him that my psychiatrist had already let me go out the day before, he just replied that if it were him, he would have never let me go outside on the first week because it was totally unconscious and that he didn't think that it was a good idea to let me go out during the afternoon. he also told me that i'd better try to socialize with the other patients instead of staying always alone without speaking to anyone. i was feeling so sad after his visit because i was already thinking about some plans for the weekend as i knew that on sunday, you can go out from the morning until 6pm but it seemed that everything would be cancelled and when he left the room, i didn't even know if i would be able to go out at least on this very day. i was getting more and more upset, exhausted and feeling just terrible in every way. i went to the doctor's appointment at 12.45am as it was planned with the nurse but when i arrived at the office there was nobody and the office was closed! i really thought i was about to break down XD i decided to go downstairs, just to check if there was at least a nurse to get some informations about this appointment i was supposed to have because the situation was really getting urgent. when i arrived downstairs at the office, one nurse was there and the doctor too. he was typing on his computer and just ignored me. the nurse gently asked me if i needed something and i replied that i was supposed to meet the doctor but that the office upstairs was closed so i came here just to check. at this moment, he finally decided to look at me and just said "can't you see i'm busy? i already told you that you have to put on your hot patch every night and i don't know where your pain comes from! and frankly, i really don't have time to waste with you". i just stayed speechless for a moment and than said ironically "thank you for your help" and just left the office and went back to my room. i was just soooooooooooooooooo upset! how can a person like that can call himself a doctor when he doesn't even care about the pain of his patients and absolutely don't give a fuck about them?... at 1.20pm i went back to the nurses' office just to check if i still had the authorization to go out or not and i actually could! i was so happy to have just 4 hours out of this hell! during the afternoon, i met with my mum and arnaud and even my mum noticed that i was acting really strangely. i was speaking too loud and seemed really excited. after that, i came back here, had dinner and it just became worst and worst. all the troubles i had to face during the morning were invading my mind, the fact that it had been like a week that i could only sleep 4 hours a day, i really had the sensation that i was about to lose my mind so i decided to go out for some fresh air. i was sitting on a bench outside, smoking and watching other patients with big mugs like the ones you have in starbucks and i'm quite sure that they weren't full of tea because as time went by, they were talking louder and louder and just acted like drunk people. it got me sooooooooooooo angry because i was thinking about the fact that i was doing my best every day to fight to get better and watch them just fucking the rules put me in a terrible anger. if i had a gun with me, i think i would have shot them all down with absolutely no regret. as i finally realized that i was getting out of mind and that i even had violent thinkings (it happened to me to have violents thinkings but when i have, it's always been against me and never for someone else). i really had the impression that this unknown "me" who almost killed me one week ago was back and it just gave me the creeps. i went back upstairs in my room and finally decided to go to see the nurse to explain to her that i was feeling the worse and that i really needed help. all she did was giving me a tranquilizer and told me that she would call a night psychiatrist who would come to visit me. she asked me to wait outside the office, the time he arrived because she never saw me in a state like that and didn't want to leave me alone. after the tranquilizer started to have its effects, i started hallucinating and imagining that this clinic was actually a hotel. i was watching through the window and the garden had totally changed. there was a bar with a terrace, a restaurant, a bus stop for the excursions to visit the best spots os the city, and even a pool at the back (it was actually quite a nice trip and i ended up laughing thinking about it). the psychiatrist finally arrived and took me to my room. i have absolutely no idea of how long i had to wait for him but when he arrived, i was just so stoned that i was totally relaxed so he told me that i really needed to rest for good and that we'd see how i would feel the day after.

when i woke up on saturday, i was still feeling exhausted so i decided to stay all day long in bed to finally rest and get back all the sleeping time that i had been missing for so many days, hoping that i would finally feel to the top on sunday to be able to enjoy an entire day out. i even went to see the nurse to inform her that i had no intention to go out and that i wanted to rest all day long for once so that i would be feeling finally better for sunday. my mum came to visit during the afternoon but just for 2 or 3 hours and then i just told her to go back home because i really needed to rest. i slept most of the day. not because i felt depressed but just because i needed it. at night, when i went to the nurse office, they informed me that i wasn't authorized to go out anymore because of my "behaviour" of the day before! i was soooooooooooooo pissed off! the nurse told me that maybe i could have a chance to get an authorization if i saw the psychiatrist again and explained to him the situation on sunday morning. i was feeling so disappointed because i perfectly knew that it was because of all this lack of sleep that i turned into this "monster" but i really didn't get why i got "punished" for that. i mean, i didn't hurt anyone, not even myself. i know that some other patients have been punished too but there was a good reason for it. they are here because they have drinking problems, and when they went out during the afternoon, they all got drunk like never and came back here but they got caught straight away. in this case, i can easily understand why but as for me,i just couldn't get it... anyway, i decided to go back to bed and wait until sunday morning for the psychiatrist and already prepared a speech for him.

on sunday morning, i woke up and i was finally feeling good and full of energy. i truly understood that all this lack of sleep just made me so irritable and depressed but after this long day of rest i was just feeling wonderful and was ready for meeting the psychiatrist. he finally came around 10am and i explained to him everything that happened. as it was the same as the one who saw me on the night i just got crazy, he could easily see the difference with the other day and i also told him that my mum would be with me all day long if i could have the chance to go out. he told me that it was OK with him! i i was so surprised that i asked him if it was no joke hahaha and he confirmed that it wasn't! i was sooooooooooooooo happy! as soon as he left the room, i called my mum to let her know that i could finally go out with her during all day! i already had some plans on my mind and we all made them come true! for lunch, we went to an all-you-can-eat chinese restaurant where we use to go when we have something to celebrate or just when we're just too lazy for cooking hahaha it was just so nice to have the chance to have lunch with someone in front of me and not the wall of my room like every lunch and dinner (walls are not really talkative and friendly lol). i was so happy to share this moment with my mum and was delighted to see all the other clients around. just normal people, having time with their family or friends and i had the chance to be there too among them! after that, we went to watch a movie at the TNB (bretagne national theater). i wanted to watch this movie since last week but for the moment i couldn't have the opportunity to. it's called "le coeur regulier" and it's a french-japanese movie. it's based on a novel. i was quite scared at first to suffer from a panic attack by the fact to be again enclosed in a small space for an hour and a half but finally i really enjoyed the movie and the time just flied by! after that, it was already time to go back to the clinic. i was filled with so many positive memories and had such a lovely time with my mum! it was like a dream! at night, i started working on a music video from a song of the new album ("in this town") and got really satisfied by the idea that i had in mind because when i saw the final result it was exactly what i was thinking about! i was so excited that i sent a demo to some friends to get their first impressions and they all loved it! it's still in progress and i'm thinking about keeping on working on it tonight too. it should be finalized by the end of this week i hope. i just can't wait to share it with you all and i really hope that you'll love it as much as the pleasure that it gave me to make it!

today was quite a normal day. i had breakfast, did my butt workout. i have to say that since saturday, my back doesn't hurt as much as before because i bought patches in a drugstore during my "day out" and it was really effective! i even got the visit of a physiotherapist this morning because the doctor finally decided to take care of my case. it was the first time i had a massage and the physiotherapist was imploring me to try to relax because i was really tensed but it's just that i never had any massage before and i must confess that i really hate to be touched XD anyway, i ended up just letting myself go and it felt so good afterwards. this afternoon, i was able to go out too but the weather was quite bad and rainy so it wasn't really fun. i met with my mum, sister and arnaud. i told them that it was useless to go out on days like this and that maybe i'll stay at the clinic some days during the afternoon because if you can't enjoy the sun and have a walk in a park and just end up instead in a mall, there's no point in going out. so we'll see tomorrow. the weather will decide if i go out or not!

have all a marvellous week!

sweet kisses

chu ;)

happy tears

Posted by edmond on March 31, 2016 at 1:30 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

yesterday was a really terrible night for me! my back ache came back again and this time stronger than ever, even to the point that i couldn't even lay on my bed in order to sleep as it hurted to intensively. i asked for the hot patch for my back but they gave it to me too late and there was nothing to do so i ended at 1am asking for pain killers to finally be able to sleep.

this morning, i woke up with a head i didn't even know i could have! i really looked like a zombie. well, it's true that lately i have a lot of problems to sleep and in addition, i never sleep enough... and well, as soon as you wake up here, they already give you tranquilizers and stuff so it doesn't help...

after breakfast this morning, i did my butt workout routine and it was OK. i didn't do any type of workout implying my back just to be sure not to hurt it badly than it already is.

after that, i had a shower and the psychiatrist came for his daily visit. he told me that, regarding the fact i seemed to be fine and reacted quite good with the medication i had the authorization to go out this afternoon for 4 hours from 1.30pm until 4.30pm! he also added that he had been told that i really had the profile of someone that needed to see people from the outside since i'm always alone when i go to the garden to smoke and never speak to anyone but just to say "hello", smile and that's it. my first reaction was to ask him if he was speaking seriously because i really couldn't believe what i just heard! when he left the room, i directly called my mum and announced her the good news! i just couldn't stop crying but this time it was tears of happiness :D

it made me think of this song that i really like from one of my favourite anime, called "video girl ai". the title of the song is "happy tears" :D

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i was feeling so excited just to know that i could go outside, see "normal" people (wh have absolutely no conscious of the luck they have just to be free), and be just like anyone else even if it was for a short period of time. it's a sensation that i never felt before and i think the prisoners must feel exactly the same when they go out for the first time after being enclosed in the same place. i know it hasn't been a long time i'm here but it really seems to me like an eternity because i really do have issues to socialize here. i just don't feel like socializing at all actually. i know that they're all here for different degrees of sickness and i'm really not ready to share my issues or listen to other's problems. when i'll have to talk about my personnal issues, i will do it with a psychologist and no one else. i'm here to rebuild myself and that's it ;)

so, after lunch, they gave me a paper that i left at the front office and i was finally OUT! i just couldn't stop smiling and was looking all around me, the sky, the people, the trees, the buildings, like if it were the very first time, like if i were reborn and discovered the world for the very first time. i had to meet my mum and sister next to the clinic and when i saw them i just couldn't stop crying. my mum didn't understand why i was acting so weird but my sister and i explained to her that there were happy tears and that there was nothing to worry about at all :D i was just enjoying my "freedom"! the weather wasn't that sunny but i decided anyway that i wanted to have a hot chocolate on a terrace just for the pleasure to be outside and just admire everything around.

after that, we went to my mum's place as i had some stuff i had to take in order to bring them back here. when i entered the flat, i started crying again... i was so sensitive today!!! this time, it was a mix of happiness to be there in the flat with my mum and the sadness to know that it was just for an hour or two and that i'd have to go back to the clinic afterwards...

when the time to come back here in the clinic was coming closer, i asked my mum if she could come with me walking and not taking the metro because, for the moment, when i have those short times of "freedom", i want to spend them outside the most that i can. i thought i would cry again when she would leave me behind here at the clinic but i wasn't feeling sad because i was already thinking that tomorrow i'll be able to go outside again and also about those 4 hours outside that cheered me up sooooooooooooooooooooooo much!

i was supposed to meet with arnaud today but i told him that i'd prefer that we'd meet tomorrow so that i could enjoy this very first day outside just with my family. maybe we'll meet with another friend, johan too. it's not sure but we'll see...

from today, i started to make a new timetable and this is still in progress. i'll go modifying it during the weeks i'll spend here because i don't have as many spare time as before and the most important point is that, because of the medication, there are certain stuff that i can't make anymore or at certain times of the day because i have a lot of difficulties to concentrate and so on. i'll go adjusting it though the week and i'm sure i'll find a way to get it adapted to this new rythm i have to follow from now!

have all a divine thursday!

chu ;)

new life

Posted by edmond on March 30, 2016 at 1:10 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

yesterday night, the nurse gave me a heating patch to put on my back for an hour to ease my back ache and it just worked soooooooooooooo fine! i felt so much better afterwards and even today, i just had to take one pain killer instead of three as i used to those last days. i also took another type of pill for sleeping made with natural plants and it was as effective as the tranquilizer they usually end up giving me (because just a simple sleeping pill has just no effect on me at all) so i guess i'll keep on with this kind of treatment if i still suffer from insomnia. i'd so like that everything would be made out of plants and more natural...

this morning, i woke up in quite a good mood. now, my room is on the first floor and the breakfast and everything is always on time (the team is different for every floor). i had taken the habit to get 15 minutes extra in bed but this morning i couldn't as they suddenly came into my room to serve the breakfast! i even got a call from the nursery while i was having my breakfast to remind me that i still didn't go for my morning pills! they're really on time here so i changed back my alarms regarding those new time shifts.

after breakfast, i did a little bit of workout, the butt workout exactly because i really needed to work out even if it was just for ten minutes. while i was exercizing, the psychiatrist came to visit and was quite surprised to see me working out hahaha after that, i had a shower and started to plan a new timetable regarding the new "life" i have here. it won't be as intense as it used to be when i was at home but at least i can spend time doing interesting things and keep on studying or doing music instead of just being bored here all day long.

this afternoon, my mum came to visit me and later on my sister and niece came too. i was really glad to have them by my side. litlle by little, i get a lot of supporting messages from my friends and i really have no words to tell how thankful i am to them! some just send me a text to wish me a good day and that's just enough to put a smile on my face and give me the strength to carry on here. it remembers me the time when i used to send just a small text to angel cloud every morning just to wish him a good day and try to cheer him up. i know it wasn't a lot but now i realize the power that a short message can have on your mood and sometimes can turn a rainy day into a brighter day :)

i know i have a tendancy to repeat it a lot lately but i'm feeling so thankful to all of you for all your messages and support! they are so precious to me and i really do treasure them. i promise i'll never forget it and fight every day so that you'll be proud of me when i am ready to come back to the top!

have all a gorgeous wednesday!

love and kisses!

chu ;)


Posted by edmond on March 29, 2016 at 1:40 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers,

this morning, i woke up all of a sudden at 6.45am with a terrible back ache and just couldn't move from my bed. i finally was able to leave my bed like 30 minutes after and go to the nursery to get a medicine to try to ease the terrible pain i was suffering from. i saw the doctor during the day and it seems that it's a muscular issue so there's not a lot to do than waiting for the pain to go and apply a hot patch on my back at night so that it'll ease the pain.let's hope the pain will go away soon because it's really the wrost way to be waken up!

yesterday night, there was another nurse downstairs and i had quite a nice chat with her. i was feeling really happy to have time to chat with her because i feel really lonely here at night and there's no one to talk to. she told me that i should ask for a single room so that i could finally sleep quietly at night without needing to take sleeping pills and tranquilizers so this is what i decided to request this morning and they said that it was OK and that it would be taken in charge. so, i moved to my new room by the end of the afternoon and now i'm finally alone! i'm so glad about it because i now have a little bit more of intimacy and can do whatever i want to whenever i want to without having to worry about my neighbour.

i also got a call from my dear belgium friend, nicolas, who's still living in barcelona and he's a psychologist. i could explain to him what happened and he totally understood the reasons why i decided to be commited here and was really proud of my decision to do so by my own will. i also chatted a bit with my husband but the connection was really bad yesterday night so we had to make it shorter than expected. it just makes me feel so good to see that i have so much support all around with my family and friends and i can feel their strength surrounding me when i start to feel blue or lonely.

this afternoon, my mother, sister and my dear friend arnaud came to visit. we stayed most of the time in the inside garden because my neighbour was feeling totally depressed today and decided to stay in bed sleeping all day long. luckily it wasn't raining so it was OK for us to stay outside of the room. i am definitely happy to have left this room and not to have to share it with him anymore because i'm really not in the mood to feel bad vibes around me at this moment of my life...

i also got a call from my dear friend thibault. we've been friends for years since the time i was living in paris and he called me because he learnt about my situation by reading the blog. so yes, i guess some people are actually reading it hahahaha he even told me that he would try to come and visit me if he has the possibility to do so. that would be so nice!!

in hard times like that, you suddenly realize who are your real friends and who really cares about you. of course, i'm like everyone, i have a lot of "friends" that i meet, go for drinks with, laugh and stuff but what happens when you are in my situation? most of them just disappear... in a way, it's a good thing because now i know who are my real friends and who are the ones who are just there for the good days and who just don't give a fuck when you need them for something else than fun. i'm not feeling angry about it, i know this is human nature and that there will always be people deceiving you. i'm more feeling sad for them because i guess that the day it'll happen the same to them (i wish for them it won't but you never know...), they'll realize that nobody cares for them and they'll just be by theirselves alone. will they be feeling regrets about how they behaved with people? i don't know. i'm not in their minds and i never want to be this kind of person anyway.

i've always been the kind of person with a lot of empathy for my friends, family and so on and, if there's something that we can call "karma", i can see now that it really has an effect. never forget to be kind and loving to the people around you. maybe one day, you'll be facing hard times and all the good things you've done will come back to you. i'm not trying to become spiritual but just realistic about human connections, actions, consequences and impacts. life is a circle and it never stops turning. just be kind and kindness will come back to you one day or another ;)

have all a wonderful tuesday!


chu ;)


Posted by edmond on March 28, 2016 at 12:10 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

yesterday, during the afternoon, my mum and sister came to visit and i felt so glad!!! i could also see in their eyes and behaviours that they felt proud of my decision to get interned here by my own will because it means that i'm really convinced and ready to do the best to get better! i also had a chat with a really dear swiss friend who heard about my situation and it really eased my pain to have this conversation with her. i also chatted a long time with my husband and it really helped me to hang on during the day.

i know that it will take long for angel cloud before he forgives me but i'm still hoping that he'll end up sending me even a short message to cheer me up as I used to do for him every day before... i know he's convinced that he can only hurt me right now and that's why he decided to cut any type of contact with me but just a cheer up message won't hurt for sure :)  just to wish me a good day, to take care of myself and get better soon would be more than welcome. i guess he doesn't even read this blog and try to avoid to get any news but we never know, and I still keep the hope to get news from him really soon and that he's feeling good. lately, i so need support from my friends and family because this is what keeps me hanging on and fighting!

yesterday night was quite hard here. it was my first night in this new place where i'm supposed to stay for two or three weeks and i felt totally lost and lonely after my mother left. there are all kind of people here. old people who just lost their minds and have lost total concious of where they are or who they are, alcoholics, junkies... i really feel like a stranger here sometimes or maybe i just don't realize the state i'm in... i keep on saying hello and smiling to everyone but most of the time nobody replies to me and i'm just being ignored...

the guy with who i'm sharing the room, was snoring like a broken horn yesterday and talking in his sleep all night long so i just couldn't find a way to rest and sleep. i kept on walking in the hallway, going out smoking, hoping that the sleeping pill would finally had effect on me but it just didn't make it. i came back to bed, tried to relax listening to piano pieces by chopin but still nothing. i ended up calling a nurse who gave me a relaxing pill so that i could finally fall asleep around 1am.

this morning, i had to wake up at 7.45am and i was feelig sooooooooooooooooooooooo exhausted!!! when i got out of the room to get my morning medication, they informed me that during days off (today is eastern), the service was open later and that i should come back 30 minutes later. i was so upset because i had set my alarm on purpose to be sure not to be late because i knew that i would have never been able to wake up naturally at that time after the horrible night i spent and finally it was for nothing XD if only i could've slept 30 minutes more... i got breakfast after that and went out a bit to take fresh air in the garden. the weather wasn't as bad as it was supposed to be so i could even see the sun showing its face from time to time. at lunch, my roomate wasn't here and i found it quite strange but i learnt tonight that if you have the permission to go out during the weekend, you can be out from 9am until 6pm! i was soooooooooooooooooooo happy about that! i really do hope that the doctor will let me have time outside during the weekend so that i can enjoy "freedom". i sometimes feel like i'm in a prison here. the garden isn't that big and sometimes i'm just feeling breathless in this short space even if it's a garden...

i don't have any particular plan for tonight but i hope that i can find someone to chat with, virtually speaking, as it seems that i won't be able to make any type of relation here. let's hope that someone will be available tonight :) if you're on skype, facebook or any other social red, don't hesitate to conatct me ;)

have a sweet week!

chu ;)


Posted by edmond on March 26, 2016 at 6:15 PM Comments comments (0)
Hey lovers! I guess you must be wondering why I suddenly disappear from the social reds but there was a reason for it. I decided not to hide anything from you and explain everything that happened. The day before yesterday, I woke up in a such a bad mood and I just couldn't find any way to make me feel better. I tried to do my T25 routine, take care of myself but I still felt a horrible feeling that just didn't leave me in peace. After lunch, I went out in a park next to my place, sat on a bench and started to take one antidepressant in order to feel better but it didn't change anything at all. So I took one more, and another one, without stopping. I ended up totally out of my mind and went back home where my mum was. She got really scared because she realized I wasn't in my normal state at all. As I had a little conversation with angel cloud, he decided to tell her what happened in the park and I ended up in the hospital. It wasn't the first time it happened to me. It actually happened the same three times at the time I was living in Barcelona but at that time, it was slightly different in the way that I was mixing alcohol, drugs and picks at the same time. This time I was totally conscious but just wanted to delete entirety what was in my mind and kept on torturing me. And this is what really scared me this time. I was like conscious of what I was doing and just didn't care at all. I decided this time to stay in the psychiatric part of the hospital so that they can take care of me and help me to feel better. I've been here since yesterday night and I'm facing hard times like never before. I often cry with any particular reason. I'm feeling so sorry for the pain I caused to my friends and family and I hope that they'll learn to forgive me one day. This is also the reason why I'm here. I want to prove them that it was the last time I'll behave this way and that I'll do my best to be back on my feet and gain back the trust that some lost on me. I've been told by the doctors that I should be staying here for quite a long time. Basically, I was supposed to stay just for some days but regarding my background, they told me that it would be better that after here, I should go for two or three weeks in a mental hospital to get definitely better. I don't know who's reading this blog and I know I should better talk about music but this is a part of my life too and I need to share it with you all. Until now, I was always the first one to send good energy to all of you but it's time to temporarily change the roles. Please send me all your positive vibes because I'm now facing one of the hardest time of my life. I don't know if I'll be authorized to be connected in the mental hospital but if so, I'll try to update you about the evolution of my health. It's time for me to sleep now. I've always been a warrior and I promise I'll keep on being it!!thanks again for all your support and I'll keep you updated asap Sweet love my dears, I truly love you (special thoughts to everyone who already sent me messages or called to support me in this hardest times of my life) Chu ;)

flower power

Posted by edmond on March 23, 2016 at 11:45 AM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

this morning, i woke up with a terrible back ache. i think it must come from last week job... anyway, i had breakfast and did my T25 workout of the day. unluckily, it was total body control so asking a lot of effort from every part of my body and it hurt a lot. i, though, was able to do it until the end! (i felt kind of pride lol) on wednesdays, i just do my T25 routine and then go to the bathroom to take care of myself with a beauty session :) i felt a lot more better after the beauty session and the shower!

angel cloud sent me message to ask me if i was availble for a little chat on skype during the afternoon. i replied to him that it could be nice that we connect during my everyday walk between 2 and 3pm. i tried to reach him but he wasn't available. i had such a lovely time at the park today. i went back to the thabor park and took a lot of pictures of the flowers. it made me feel so much better than yesterday! i could feel the power of the surroundings filling me with good sensations and energy. i even took some videos that i sent to angel cloud to share with him this delicious moment i had. here are the pics i took there :

isn't it lovely? i really felt so good and regenerated after the park!!! the weather is really sunny today and quite warm  here so i went back home, took my nintendo DS with me and went to study japanese outside. they told that from tomorrow the weather should be back to rain so i really wanted to enjoy the best of this day outside!

when i came back, i got the call from angel cloud. he decided from today to start packing his stuff from his brussels' flat because he plans to move definitely to rennes soon. i wanted to cheer him up because i know how hard it is to pack your stuff when you've been living in a place for a long time. let's all cheer him up and send him positive vibes!

after updating this blog, i plan to start to work again on one music video i'm thinking about (it'd be the music video of the song "in this town", you can listen to a preview here: ). i made some tests yesterday but i didn't like the final result. it had nothing to do with what i had in mind... let's see if i can make it better today!

have all a gorgeous wednesday!

chu ;)


Posted by edmond on March 22, 2016 at 11:35 AM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

today is a really sad day... i guess you've all heard about what happened in bruxelles this morning. i just woke up and my mum sent me a text to inform me about what happened. i checked the infos on internet and got just as scared as when it happened here in france. i sent a text to angel cloud just to be sure that he was ok because he's been in bruxelles lately. he replied that everything was ok with him.

after the breakfast, i started with my workout routine, doing T25 ab intervals and the butt workout. i must say that i really didn't feel like working out at all but i tried my best just to try to think about something else but i just couldn't manage it and even my entire body was like denying what i asked from it.

after working out, i took a bath and tried to relax but all this stuff kept on running in my mind. it just kept on turning on and on without stopping. after the bath, i watched the news on TV and i just felt devastated, powerless... i thought again about angel cloud, wondering how i would have felt if he would have been gone forever. there are still moments i want to share with him and i realized it could stop like that, with no warning. i hope that he'll be back here in rennes soon so that i can spend more time with him. i know he's always busy but i'm sure we can find space in our free time just to be together. i don't want to feel regrets anymore because i stopped me from contacting him when i just wanted to meet with him. this thought of the eventuality of losing him made me cry so much and i just couldn't stop the tears.  it's not only him but the entire world. thinking that lives can be destroyed in just a moment, leaving you with tears and regrets is just unbearable. i felt exactly the same when it happened in paris. i know that it happened in other countries too like africa and so on but it just doesn't feel the same like when it happens in your own country or your neighbour's.

i tried my best this afternoon when i was out to be like every day, fascinated by my surrounding but i just couldn't. i feel like the bubble i created full of admiration, contemplation and good vibes just exploded and i'm just not ready to face reality. it took me time to try to rebuild myself but this event made me lose faith. when will all of this end?...

sorry for not being as joyful as usually but i'm sure you can understand. this blog is my every day life and yeah, sometimes, it goes wrong :( let's hope for a better tomorrow and try to be as positive as we can be.

have a beautiful tuesday!

chu ;)

back to normal

Posted by edmond on March 21, 2016 at 11:20 AM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

sorry for not updating my blog last friday but i was sooooooooooooooooo exhausted that i really didn't have the energy even to type on my computer lol!

so friday, as i just told, i was feeling really exhausted because i worked all day in the factory but fortunately i had a good news during this same day. one of the boss of the factory came to me during the morning to let me know that they'll stop the contract with me on friday and that' i don't need to come back on monday because i'm too slow. i must confess that i really had not to show the happiness this brought to me! i told him that i totally understood his point of view and that i felt i couldn't keep on working there either because it was too hard, physically speaking, for me. this is actually the very first time i have to admit i don't suit for a job! usually, even when i have no experience at all, i can easily adapt and give my best but in this factory i discovered that i had my own physical limits. anyway, i was so glad when i finished work on friday i even called my mum to share my happiness! i must say that i was feeling quite worried at the same time that, because of this, the temporary job agency wouldn't call me anymore but they already did it when i came out of work. they left a message saying that i should call back for another job starting on monday. i called them back but the job was already taken. this just proved that even if i didn't fit for this job, they're still thinking about me for something else!

at night, my dear arnaud came to my place and we had a lot of fun. i was so happy to have been able to get rid of this job! we spent the night playing music and laughing a lot! it was really nice :)

on saturday, i was still feeling exhausted and my legs and back were still hurting me like hell so i decided to rest at home for once. it was kind of strange to go back to the times when i used to waste my time like this all day long : doing nothing. i wasn't really sure it was a good idea but i really didn't have any strength left for doing anything else than nothing lol

after dinner, i watched a japanese movie called "tokyo tower. me, mum and sometimes dad". i watched it because there was the same actress as in the "sweet red bean paste" movie i loved so much and i think she even won a prize for acting in this one. the movie itself wasn't that bad but really sad at the end. i guess i'm not ready for this kind of sad stories for the moment. i really need to be surrounded by positive energy because even watching sad movies has some kind of influence on my mood. it affects me a lot.

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yesterday, i woke up at my regular time (9.45am) and started back my day regarding my normal timetable. it was sooooooooooooooooo nice to be able to do so and getting back to my normal pace. i went for a walk at the thabor park which is quite close to my place and spent time seating on a bench and reading the "sweet red bean paste" book. i actually finished it there. it was so similar to the movie and i really loved reading it. now, i'm starting a new book that i read when i was a teenager and that i really loved. the title is "l'enfant et la riviere" by bosco. i remember that i was fascinated like the child in the story about the pond i had next to my place when i was living in fort-bloque with my grand-parents as a child. i could really feel the same sensations as this kid and i hope i can find back those sensations while reading it again.

at night, i watched a japanese movie made by the same person who made the "sweet red bean paste", naomi kawase. the title of the movie was "still the water". i could feel a bit of the same sensations as in the "sweet red bean paste" but i definitely prefer it to this one i watched yesterday. it's not bad but the feeling's not the same.

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this morning, i had my normal routine. i started with breakfast, then workout (today was cardio and after a week without really working out, it kind of hurts hahaha). after that, i had lunch and today, i had to go the psychologist. it actually made me feel good to talk with someone as my mum's not there since last week and i must say i'm feeling lonely. of course, i have friends that i can contact through texts or facebook but it's really not the same as speaking with someone "for real". i miss casual conversation. fortunately, my mum's supposed to come back tomorrow! can't wait!!!

after the blog, i'm thinking about recording some covers. there are two songs that i really like and i would like to make them mine. let's see how it goes!i also recorded a short video of me singng a song which is precious to me :

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have all a delicious week!

chu ;)


Posted by edmond on March 17, 2016 at 2:15 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

yesterday night, i had dinner and prepared me a lunch box for the day after and then i watched a movie i had on my computer. the title was "nobody's daughter haewon" and was made by hong sang-soo. this isn't the first movie i watched of him. i actually watched a lot of his movies and always like the mood they have in it. it's always focused on alcohol (the characters are always drinking in his movies and for what i've heard, this is for real lol) and interaction between people. most of the time, there's always a love story going on. remembrances from the past or nowadays. this one was no exception and i must say i had a really nice time watching it. here's the trailer:


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i also got a great news from openclassroom! they sent me a mail to let me know that i got the official diploma of  "the keys to become a community manager"! i was soooooooooooooooooooo happy and i got a final result of 88% for everything included the final exam! i'm feeling really proud of me :)

then, i had to go directly to bed because i had to wake up at 6.15am for work this morning!

as i didn't go to sleep late, i wasn't feeling tired this morning when i woke up. i went for work and started there at 8am. i actually thought it would be the same kind of thing like yesterday but it wasn't the case at all. i spent all the day enveloping plastic film on hundreds of boxes from the morning until i ended up work at 5pm. my back is hurting soooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad right now and i just can't feel my legs anymore (i'm actually on my sofa laying down and i just can't move anymore...). i really thought that i would end up saying that i wasn't strong enough physically for this kind of job and that it would be better if they found someone else but i just kept my mouth shut and kept on working until the end. i really do hope that tomorrow won't be that hard too because i really don't know how i can keep on doing this for a month. i'll end up dead for sure lol

tonight, i think i'll watch another movie that i have on my computer and go to bed (i'm just exhausted and really not up for anything at all). luckily, tomorrow is friday which means that i'll be on weekend and have time to rest a bit from this hard week i had :)

have all an outrageous thursday!

chu ;)

new job

Posted by edmond on March 16, 2016 at 1:35 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

yesterday, by the end of the afternoon, i got a call for a new job. this time, it's in a city called l'hermitage (you can go there by bus, in total it takes me around 50 minutes). i'll talk about it more in details later on...

at night, my friend arnaud sent me a message to ask me if i was OK to go for dinner at mcdonalds. he first came to my place, we had a little chat and then went to the center. like always, we had a lovely time together and laughed a lot! it was kind of strange because it was one of the first time we met without being drunk lol normally, we always meet at the gay bar and always end up drunk so it was interesting to see us "fresh" for once lol i took some pics on the way back home :

after dinner, i went back home and watched one movie called "jellyfish eyes". it's been made by takashi murakami, a japanese artist that i really love. i was sure the movie would be as lovely as his art but actually it was really boring :( the plot was like a pokemon battle and i ended bored as hell but i watched it until the end. after that, i went to bed because i had to wake up at 6.45 to get prepared for the new job.

i took the bus next to my place and had plenty of time to read the book of the "sweet red bean", i'm reading nowadays. i took care to see around if there was a place where i could have lunch at 12am but i didn't see anything... when i arrived, i asked one of my colleague if there was something and he told me that there was a restaurant but the supermarkets were too far from the factory. i checked on google maps and saw that there was a pizzeria not too far away so i decided to go there for lunch. the pizza was really tasty and just sooooooooooooooo big! i really enjoyed it!and i the waiter was really sexy hehe :D i think i'll go there again soon ;)

the city itself is quite ugly and there's nothing to do there. they just have a church in the center like every city in france and that's all lol

the job itself is not complicated at all. it's for a ends of lines store factory. we get big boxes filled by the supermarkets when they had problems with them and weren't able to sell the products in the state they were. so we have to unbox everything, put some order in it. check the original price and put a discount on it, stick the price on all the products and then put them in boxes so that they'll be sent to the ends of lines stores all around france. i must say it was quite boring because there's no contact even with your colleagues because everyone is concentrated on what they're doing so they don't have time for chatting or else. let's hope it'll get better and that maybe i can make some friends there. the girl from the temporary job agency told me first that it would be to work until friday included but finally she said that it should last for a month... so that means i'm back to my 35 hours a week! i normally have the following shift: from 9am to 5pm with one hour break for lunch. there's an exception as i'll be starting tomorrow at 8am and will end my shift at 5pm. i'm OK with it, it means more money! :D

after work, i took the bus to go back home and this time, i didn't read but studied japanese on the way as i had taken my nintendo DS with me. after arriving home, i started to work on the analysis of the stats from youtube, now i'm updating my blog and that will be it for today! as i can't respect my normal timetable, i try to adapt it so i can do a minimum of stuff i like to do at least. i'll keep on doing this until friday included! i'm not sure if i'll be updating the blog tomorrow too as i don't know if a lot of things will be happening. anyway, i'll let you know through facebook and twitter if i have time to update it!

have all a gorgeous wednesday!

chu ;)


Posted by edmond on March 15, 2016 at 11:25 AM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

yesterday afternoon, i had the openclassrooms exam on "how to become a community manager". the final exam topic was to promote a movie on social reds. the means to use, the people you want to reach, how to check the results of the promotion etc. i worked very hard on this and did the promotion of the movie "sweet red bean" that i watched last week. as i'm really into this movie it was quite easy to work on this topic. i should get the results today or tomorrow. let's hope i'll get a good score for it!

one of my friend, thomas, who's going regularly to l'insolite (the gay bar i like to go to) was celebrating his birthday yesterday night and he invited me. at first, i wasn't sure if i would go or not because, as you know, yesterday i wasn't feeling that well but i finally decided to go so that i could have fun with friends and get rid of all the bad feelings i had during the day. arnaud was also coming so we met next to his place and went together to thomas' flat. i really love the decoration he has in his flat. it's full of vintage objects :) i had a really nice time there and laughed a lot. i also drunk quite a lot (it was a birthday party so it was quite obvious that i would end up drunk lol). i came back home around 3am but didn't manage to wake up at 9.45am this morning like i'm used to. i woke up at 11am with a terrible hangover and no energy at all so i decided to skip the workout for today...

after lunch, i went to the temporary job agency because i had to give them my working hours paper for last week (i already went there yesterday but i had forgotten the paper so i had to come back today too lol). i then went in the center to the bretagne museum because i saw they had an exhibition which seems interesting ( so i wanted to get more infos about it. i also took more infos about the other activities they have there. i'll check all of this tonight to see if i could go there for an exhibition or something else.

after that, i went to the tnb (nation theatre of bretagne) to check if they had the new program for the movies they'll be playing from tomorrow and they had it! i'll also check it out. i guess i'll find one interesting movie to go to.

i'm not really sure about what i'm going to do after updating this blog as i finished the class about the community management, i don't know if i start a new class or do something else like music, or drawing or just reading a book. we'll see...

my mother left this afternoon for the south of bretagne in fort-bloque where we have a secondary house (and where i shot some of my music videos like "la neige en plein ete" and "bang bang".

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i would have loved to join her but i have to stay here as i could get a call for a new job anytime.

the weather is soooooooooooooooo nice today! it's all shiny and really not that cold. is spring coming a little bit earlier? we'll see :)

have all a gorgeous tuesday!

chu ;)


Posted by edmond on March 14, 2016 at 11:35 AM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

how was your weekend? i hope you had fun!

sorry for not updating the blog last week as regularly as i used to but i was quite busy working all day and, as nothing special happened during my working days, i decided to wait until next week so that i had new stuff to tell you about!

so, i worked from wednesday until saturday as a cashier in a supermarket and really had great times there! i even got congratulations from the chief, telling me that they had never seen such happy people after having contact with me. she even said that my smile was contagious! i was so proud of myself and happy to share my good vibes with the clients :D i really hope to have a chance to work there again or in another supermarket because i kind of like this type of job ;) contact with the costumers or other people is what matters first with me.

on saturday afternoon, after i finished the work at the supermarket, (i was only working 3 hours on saturday), i went back home and went back to my studies on openclassrooms about the community manager topic. i really like the type of classes they deliver online. it's really effective and a lot more convenient than having a real teacher in class as you can put him on pause or even rewind some particular points you didn't get at first ;)

on sunday morning, i went back to my normal routine. after breakfast, i did my T25 stretch (i really needed it after almost a week working as a cashier because i chose working standing on my feet rather than seating as i fiound it more convenient for me) and as usual, i felt so much better afterwards! then i had a long bath, shaved and got ready for lunch.

after lunch, i was hesitating between two destinations. the gayeulles park or the saint-martin prairies. i both heard about them once i went to an exhibition about the city of rennes and the two spots seemed really attractive. i asked advice on facebook and to angel cloud and i've been replied the best would be the gayeulles park. the gayeulles park is the biggest park here in rennes and is such a nice place to go for a walk. here's the wikipedia article about the park, in french ( i went there with one guy i met at the sauna the last time i went there and we had a really nice time chatting and walking around. here are some pics i took there :

as you can see they have quite a nice place for street art even in the park!

they also have donkeys there and lots of other animals :)

they even have cute deers! <3

after the park, he asked me if i was up for going to visit another place. it's called the acigne pond and is outside of rennes. i've been told it's the place where all the people from rennes go during summer to have sunbath or even swim in the pond. i must say i had quite a bad impression of this place and it was hard for me to imagine how it can look like in summer full of people all around pretending they're at the beach. i'm so used to go to the beach during summer and avoid even the swimming pools so i had some difficulties to enjoy this place. apart from the pond itself, there's nothing particular. just a way to round it (it takes up to 30 minutes to) and that's it. maybe i'll go out of curiousity once in summer just to see how it looks...

after that, i went back home and studied again with openclassrooms and almost completed the class! i just have to make a final exam today and i can get the diploma as a beginner in the community management field! i'm so glad! for this week, i already suscribed to other classes but don't know which one i'll do first. we'll see tomorrow...

today, i had quite a lot of external troubles coming around. i first had an appointment with a working doctor to check my "state" for one request i made and he cancelled it saying that the fact that i was going back to work, even if it was a temporary one proved that i was feeling a lot more better... i think she simply didn't understand that i wasn't going back to work because i was ready but just because i can't survive just with 80 euros a month!!! :( anyway... after that, i went back home and had to face more administrative issues to deal with asap and then i started to feel just bad. i could feel through all my body that i was about to have a panic attack so i decided to relax on the sofa and took a pill to help me with it. usually, i manage to calm me down but this time i felt i wouldn't be able to because it was far too strong for me to manage to fight it just by myself without help. after that, i felt asleep for one hour so i skipped my workout session for the day. anyway, i really needed to rest and take care of myself first.

after lunch, i went out because i had a lot of administrative stuff to make, came back home and started my japanese studies. today, i just had 30 minutes as i came back 30 minutes later than what was planned on my regular timetable. it's OK, i'll do more tomorrow. i started with the 2nd year of study level today and it went quite OK. let's see tomorrow how it evolves...

after the japanese, i began with a new topic i inserted in my daily routine. instead of applying for jobs (because now i know i can count on the temporary job agency for this), i included something that is regarding what i learnt in my community management classes. every day of the week, i'll have to analyse the stats of all the social medias i use and make some conclusions and adapt them regarding the results i get. i never did it before but it's quite interesting and you can manage it just in 30 minutes...

now, as you can see, i am updating this blog and after that, i'll start my exam for the community management class. i'll then have to send it to them so that they'll correct it and i'll get the final result tomorrow! let's cross fingers, i really have to give it my best!

have all a wonderful week!

chu ;)


Posted by edmond on March 9, 2016 at 3:55 PM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

today was special as i woke up and got a call from the temporary job agency to start from today as a cashier for leclerc (it's a supermarket in france). i'll be working there until saturday (included). so, i had to cancel my timetable and it'll be this way until sunday.

i started today from 1pm until 8.45pm. i really had a lot of fun working as a cashier! it was the first time i did it. the colleagues are nice and it's in the same supermarket as i worked last week.

basically, when she called me this morning, i was supposed to work only today but as the cashier was sick for longer i had to extend it until saturday.

i, then, came back home, had dinner and now i'm watching a special primetime of one of my favourite's program called "scenes de menages".

well, that's all for today!

have all a beautiful wednesday!

stretch it out!

Posted by edmond on March 8, 2016 at 11:40 AM Comments comments (0)

hey lovers!

yesterday night, i had to work in a factory next to rennes, in bruz exactly. the work itself wasn't that hard (we got some boxes full of clothes' bags from a shop and had to scan them and put them in the corresponding box) but it was really exhausting and physical! i worked until 6am and went back home with one colleague who kindly drove me back home :) i then went to bed and woke up at 3pm this afternoon.

as you can guess, i had to adjust my timetable regarding all this. the employee from the agency sent me a text informing me that they didn't need me tonight so i can sleep at a normal time today!

so, i started by having breakfast and instead of doing hard workout like everyday of the week, i just did a stretch class with T25. as the work from yesterday was really physical and hard on my back i had to strech everything out and i must say i felt really better after it!

i, then, started with a japanese class. today was just to study again everything that i learnt until now so i did it just for half an hour. i was kind of surprised to realize that i have quite a good memory and didn't make a lot of mistakes. let's keep it up this way!

i don't plan on applying for jobs today as i think i'll be working quite regularly with the temporary job agency from now on.

now, i am updating this blog and after that i will start with my first online class. i suscribed to a page called open classrooms that unables you to follow classes and even get an official diploma. you can even get a premium account for free during 3 months if you are unemployed! i decided to start with a class for beginners as a community manager. what is a community manager? it's the person who's in charge to promote people or companies on all the social reds. i'm really interested in this because i've been doing it for myself and my music for quite a long time but i guess i can get a lot of tips on how to optimize what i'm doing.

after that, i plan to write down my assesments of the day. i actually do it everyday and this is the last thing i have to do everyday. i write down everything i did during the day and how i felt it (it's more like a private diary). at the end of the week, i make a kind of table with the positive and negative things that happened to me during the week and try to find solutions so that the negative things become positive.

i discovered on my personnal facebook that it's already been 6 years since there was a snowy day in barcelona! i had such fun on that day because all the transportations were closed because of the snow so i had been asked to stay home instead of going to give classes. we decided with my husband to go to the park we have next to our flat and had a lot of fun playing with the snow! those are really sweet memories! i'd really love to see snow this year but the weather is too warm for it! maybe it'll end up snowing, we never know... :P

have all a gorgeous tuesday!

chu ;)