Posted by edmond on April 25, 2016 at 11:10 AM

hey lovers!

sorry for not posting anything lately but i've been quite busy...

i had my appointment with the psychologist on thursday and she suggested me to express my feelings through writing lyrics or just writing down whatever i had in my mind and troubled me. after the appointment, i went back to my room and started checking my facebook and discovered that one of my favourite singer, utada hikaru had just released two new singles in a row. one of them, in particular, caught my attention as its title was "manatsu no tooriame", which litterally means "the pouring rain in midsummer" and, as some of you know, my latest album's title is "the snow in midsummer". i listened to it and immediately fell in love with the lyrics and the melody. it deeply touched me as it was quite similar to what i'm feeling and living right now. i, then decided, to translate the lyrics into french and even sent them to a web page dedicated to jpop and kpop music because they're always looking for people to involve in sharing their translations of the lyrics and so on. they replied later and my translation had been accepted! i was feeling so proud because i must confess that translation is really not my cup of tea but, this time, i could feel such a connection with the lyrics that it wasn't a hard work for me at all to translate them. if you understand french, you can read the translation HERE. after that, i started doing some searches about this song, to check if there was a music video for it or anything but nothing at all, even on youtube :( there was though an instrumental version made by one guy called" target="_blank">sam yung that was wonderful. i contacted him to know if it was OK if i used his instrumental version and record a french version and he replied on the next day that it was no problem at all for him! i, then, decided to adapt the lyrics into french so that it can become a french version. it took me an entire day to adapt it correctly. i made many tests to check how the french words sounded on this song, and finally had a definitive version. when it was time for me to record, i realized i hadn't had the strength to sing it entirely because it was too deep and was revealing me entirely like never before. just the same sensation as being in the nude in front of a thousand audience XD i made some demos and one of them is available" target="_blank">here :

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this has been recorded live in the clinic room and i just added effects on the video. nothing more. please, let me know what you think of it, and feel free to share with your friends ;)

on saturday, i spent the day with my mum, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. we went again to the restaurant called flunch because i was begging to go back there lol i ate again loads of food and french fries hahaha after that, we went back home, i took some clothes for the week and then we came back here at the clinic because we wanted to watch some episodes we had left of "shameless US" from the season 6. my mum left just after because it was already around 6.30pm , i went out for a ciggy and went i came back in my room, the dinner was alaredy on the table. i started having a panic attack because i was making comparison with the wonderful lunch i had with all my family just few hours ago, and the fact to be here again alone, eating in front of this fucking wall just drove me crazy! i did my best to try to regulate my breath but i wasn't feeling strong enough to fight. i ended up going out in the garden to try to take fresh air but i just kept looking around and the more i realized where i was, the more stressful i became. i decided to go back upstairs to my room and tried to relax, just lying on my bed, but it was getting worse as i was starting to have muscle contractions and was almost breathless. i finally decided to go to the nursery to try to calm down and so i ended up with a tranquilizer XD i was feeling really frustrated because i was thinking about recording the vocals of the song at night but, because of this panic attack, i wasn't able to do anything at all. i just stayed in bed all night playing video games...

on sunday, my mum came to pick me up at 10am and we went to the all-you-can-eat chinese restaurant with my sister, brother-in-law and my nephew (my niece went for one-week holidays in UK with her school). it was nice too but i had to talk to them about what happened last night and about the fact, also, that what was planned for me last week hadn't been respected at all. i mean, i was supposed to start going out alone progressively and i did it, just during two days, then i totally skipped this information as my mum did (guess we did it unconciously) and i ended up spending all my time out with my mum and never alone. my sister got quite angry about it and started shouting at my mum and me, saying that we had to respect the plan if we really wanted me to check out of this clinic one day. she was sooooooooooo true but it's really hard for me as i have a really close relationship with my mum so it was really tough for both of us to try to imagine what we would do if we couldn't see us at all. i said that it could be nice that we alternated the days. one day alone and one day with her... so, we decided that on monday (today) we won't be meeting at all :(

this morning, i was feeling tired and the alalrm clock didn't even wake me up. the nurse had to call me in my room because i hadn't been to the nursery to get my morning pills. i had another appointment with the psychologist today and i told her that, for this week, i had decided to stop doing my timetable but she told me it wasn't a good idea at all because it helped me a lot to be more stable and that, at least, i needed to have plans for the days i would spend alone... after her, i finally decided to record the vocals of the song and i was able to make it entirely in just one take! i was really surprised because it usually takes me quite a long time to get the exact sensation i want to give in the vocals but, this time, the first take was exactly what i had in mind. full of deep feelings and emotion. i hope you'll like it too! i, then, had a shower, then was visited by the psychiatrist, who told me exactly the same thing as the psychologist but adding that i was forbidden to meet my mum all week long and just to see her outside of our flat for a coffee but nothing more. i could though see her during the weekend. he explained to me that i really needed to do it if i wanted to finally able to feel that i'm ready to leave this clinic. so, i contacted my mum to let her about the "news" and i could feel that she was feeling quite sad and frustrated about the situation just like me. but well, if i want to finally go back to the real world, this is part of the plan, so let's stick with it! so, after our chat, i decided to make a timetable for this week and tried to get as busy as possible. i even planned what i would be doing outside because the psychiatrist told me it would just be a disaster to go out just because i had to and wander in the city all day long like a ghost.

after lunch, i stuck to my timetable, more or less, and added some stuff along the way. i started by a little bit of shopping in the mall which is near the clinic and bought a bunch of new clothes for the soon-to-come summer and, as usually, two new t-shirts (i don't know if ever talked about my collection of t-shirts, i have more than 250 t-shirts!!!). after the mall, i headed to the social security as i had some administrative tasks there. i, then, went to the TNB to check the movie program for this week, went to another mall (colombier) but didn't find anything... on the way back to the clinic, i was attracted by a church which you can see from the garden here in the clinic. i decided to enter out of curiosity. i'm not a believer and i must say i have quite a fascination for the believers. sometimes i wish i were a believer in something but first, i'll have to learn to believe in myself lol. i even made the cross sign when i entered with the sacred water! i have a catholic background as i spent all my scholarship in catholic schools so i know how it works more or less hahaha i even prayed to a statue of mary. i explained to her that i wasn't a believer but if she had a way so that my family wouldn't be suffering so much because of me i would be grateful to her and i wished that i would be feeling better really soon. i know, it's kind of strange coming from me to go to a church and pray. i don't even understand why i did it but it kind of made me feel better after doing it. maybe my wish will come true, you never know...

tonight, i have some plans for the night, like working on the vocals i recorded, editing the music videos that i'm working on (for the songs "in this town" and another one for "paradisco"). let's cross fingers so that i can complete at least of one those numerous tasks i still have left for today! lol

have all gorgeous week full of love!

chu ;)

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