|Posted by edmond on May 4, 2016 at 11:40 AM|
this morning, i woke up in a really good mood and the sun was here to visit! after the breakfast, i did my butt workout and had a shower. i passed by the nursery after that and one nurse called me because tomorrow is a day off in france and the psychiatrist had put on the computer that i could have a free day like i have normally on weekends (meaning free from 10am to 6pm!). i was so glad because just a little before my sister contacted me to know what i was doing tomorrow because she wanted to meet and i didn't have any plan. i texted her back to let her know that i had an entire free day and so she replied that we could go to dinard. it's a city by the sea not so far from here! i'm so looking forward tomorrow! it's gonna be a blast with my sister, brother-in-law and nephew and niece!!!
during the morning, i met with one other patient with who i became quite friend. she told me that she had planned to go out for a drink on a terrace to enjoy the sunny day this afternoon and inivted me to join her. i was happy because i didn't have any plan for the day and, as my mum just left this morning to go to our secondary house in fort-bloque, i wasn't sure about how i could spend the afternoon!
so, after lunch, we met at the nursery and went for a drink on a terrace next to the hospital. it was just soooooooooooooo nice to enjoy the sun and having company suddenly, while i was there, i saw from a distance angel cloud with a boy (i guess it was some random guy he met on grindr or whatever) passing by just next to me. i started trembling and shaking all over. all the other girls saw that i totally changed my behaviour and asked me what was going on so i explained to them who i just saw and they tried their best to calm me down. i really didn't know what to do. i finally decided to look behind to see if he just passed but he actually sat on a terrace of a bar just behind my back! i was feeling the worst. i suddenly forgot everything about this beautiful sunny day, the fact that i was having a good time with them. i really didn't plan to meet him like that. i was wondering if i should go and say hello to him or just wait for him to leave the bar... i was just going crazy inside so i decided to text him to let him know that i was just next to him and that i was getting nervous like never before. he didn't reply to the text but i saw that he had read it. he stayed on the terrace with the guy like 30 minutes. i think it was the 30 worst minutes of my life XD he finally left and i felt so relieved...
i had planned to go back home to pick some clothes and changed my shoes but i finally decided to go back directly to the hospital because after this "event", i really didn't want to go home alone because i was really doubting about the way i could react... so, i just passed by the mall, bought some clothes i saw the day before, and came back here.
i thought i would have had a terrible panic attack after all of this but finally i didn't react that bad. it was more like feeling not at ease about the situation because i was really not ready to face him like that. i'm actually feeling quite proud about myself and about the way i reacted to the situation. some weeks ago, i know that i would have reacted in a totally different way. i would have ended up drinking or smoking like crazy and crying all over the place. but now, i'm here standing with dignity and realizing that i'm so over him. i guess it made me realized that he lost the power he used to have on me. i can feel that i became so much stronger than i used to be and that makes me so proud of myself. even in the worst situation, i can still handle myself and that's an amzing step i made!
i really can't wait for tomorrow to come! i guess i'll have plenty of things to tell you about dinard (it'll actually be the first time i visit this city!).
have all an outrageous wednesday!